I started this blog a bit over a year ago, not knowing what would come out of it or exactly what my intention was. I did know that I had a big need to become visible. To share parts of myself that were well hidden and to allow myself to be vulnerable when bringing these things into the light. I feel like this has been a space where I have been able to do that and that makes me feel really happy and grateful.
Thank you so much for reading what I have shared here and for receiving me in my vulnerability. I hope I have been able to plant a few seeds in you as well, maybe even inspired someone to dare to show up in vulnerability too.
With that said, with a lot of excitement and curiosity about what is to come, I close this chapter and get ready to start a new one.
Much love!!, Leela
A hopeless exhaustion of…
…of making the same mistakes again and again and again
This is not something I can power through
This is something I need to surrender to
How am I supposed to “do” surrender?
I need to have the willingness to understand
the wisdom of not repeating the same mistakes and the patience to put myself back together everytime I’m neither willing nor wise
To face oneself might be one of the most excruciating things one can do…
…and still there is no question in my heart.
We are brought up to put ourselves down. To shame ourselves for who we are, for our desires, our longings, our wounds, our needs.
We are brought up in an unnatural society and to start becoming natural again is not always easy. It is scary and painful, uncertain and many people around will not be able to understand.
But I am longing to come home.
I am longing for myself.
For my own being, my own love, my own light.
Osho …. at home in himself …
A wave of anguish and fear
A storm of emotions
I am here present, yet not really
I am reliving something through my body and I can not make it stop
I try my best to come back, to feel safe again, calm, at home in my bed
But the nightmare continues
I want to wake up
Please Anna wake up
I am safe here
You are not alone
I hear someone talking to me. But I can not listen. It is too late
I know someone is there
I know that she is keeping me safe
Yet it feels like I am about to die
I know this is not happening now
I can breathe through this
Let the emotions have their space and then move through
I can let them burn out
I am safe
I am here
I am okay
I am seen
I am loved
Everything is okay
One breath at a time
Slowly slowly coming back
Back to my body
Back to the present moment
Seeing deeper within myself
Uncovering truths deep under the surface
Having an understanding that I am in the right path
There is nowhere else to move
Live, laugh, see, cry, heal and dare to own up to whatever is uncovered
It is right now the transformation happens
In the little things
Holding myself when I want to run away
Making small changes, by and by the transformation happens
By and by I am finding my essence
Embodying something real
Letting the sadness wash over me
I am ready to try something new
The pain of transformation is ripping my body apart
Everything I thought was me is falling away
I can rest in the center of the storm
Knowing an opening is happening
Neither falling apart nor fighting it
Simply staying present and feeling it
Feeling everything I could not feel as a child
Holding my little girl in my arms and feeling it with her
It all becomes clear
I can see the record that has been playing before my eyes
Falling in the unknown
Everything is spinning
I am still present still here still feeling it
What if I can actually be free?
What would happen?
What would I do?
I can give my little girl everything she ever wanted
I am not alone because I have me
I will never leave my side
It is okay my love
You are going to be okay
You will se
To experience once reality evaporate
Left in a space where words have no meaning
An emptiness that is so full yet there is nothing to grab onto
A peculiar feeling of complete freedom and openness yet there is nothing that can be done, nowhere to move
If all is here in this very moment then how can you move somewhere else?
Finding peace in expression
Creative energy that was once held is now freed and dancing with existence
Completely lost in the movement of the divine
Resting in its emptiness
Destructive forces transformed into creation through the light of awareness
The door to peace is suddenly wide open
A scream of pain
My ego is burning away
What is happening and what am I doing here?
Fighting to survive
Holding on with all my power
I am not giving up
Not giving in
A blank space
Trembling as there is no way back
No way to move forward
Just to be present and allow
Allow the process to work in me
Allow my body to rest
Allow my mind to grasp for information and lovingly seeing it is okay to not know
I am here
I am dissolving
Seeing I am just a space
Love is all there is and I cannot disconnect and hide anymore
I am open to seeing more
I am open to this journey