“Goodbye my friend”

Letting love come closer
The warmth and the nourishment of a loving touch
I am willing to let go of my demons to open the door for love…
…but first I have to look him straight in the eye and say goodbye

A card from the OSHO ZEN tarot deck

Letting go


A whirlwind of emotions coming to its peak
from here there is only one way to go

Into a let-go
and standing empty handed
naked and exposed

In a place of not knowing
letting the uncertainty be present

Yet there is something so comforting

I know I am unconditionally loved by existence
and whatever happens to me
I am held in its embrace

A Monster in Disguise


Urging to escape from my sorrows
If I let go what will I have?
The monsters are my best friends
the darkness is my shelter
and fear my only thrill

Ecstasy only lasts so long
and once I have seen through the endless cycle of highs and lows
the game looses its hook in me

What is left is a stagnant lake
a grey shade of something that is no longer here

It is my safety my hell
My mind is allowed to roam freely here
To dream, to long for, to pretend and disguise anything that is real
Here I can be a victim a dancer and a lover without having to lift a finger…
The only problem is that I am dreaming and in these days I am missing life
I am wasting away and falling further and further away from my truth, my center
and from anything that can bring light into my darkness

A new leaf


A butterfly opening its wings to the world
Sharing its beauty and grace
I have been hiding. Been scared of who I am

Finally the path is open for me to start my journey…
…towards nowhere
A journey without a destination
A journey of coming alive and sharing myself with the world around me

I have something to contribute with
I have something to give
It does not matter who wants to receive it
I am willing to keep giving for myself

A portal of change has been opened
With that a big responsibility I take
A loving commitment for myself

This time it is for me
My superpower has once been stolen, misused, abused
I was made powerless and drained of everything I had inside

This time it is for me
I have grown strong again
I have reclaimed my own strength and I now share it with awareness

Through a love story with myself I birth something new
I am open to receive and I welcome the responsibility of caring and nurturing whatever comes to me

The girl in the Forrest


Once upon a time…

There was a beautiful girl alone in the woods. She lived alone in a home under a big old tree. The girl was somewhat of a mystery. She was raised here in the forrest by the tree and by the stars in the sky but no one really knew where she came from or how she ended up living here in the forrest.

The girl was full of love and light. She picked berries and other things the forest provided for her. But she was also lonely. She always wondered somewhere deep down who she was. She didn’t know but the forrest was caring for her so beautifully that she did not dare to ask in case it would make it sad. So day after day she strolled around, caring for the creatures that lived here and feeling the wind in her hair.

She could not remember ever being somewhere other than under the big old tree but somewhere deep down she still felt like something was missing.

One day she was out walking and she saw something she had never seen before. A pond. Completely still and peaceful. She walked closer and now she could see more. There was a soft shimmer all around the air above the water and a hundred fairies as small as her hand were dancing in the sky. She was a little bit scared, she walked this path everyday and never before has she seen water here, but it was so beautiful and she wanted to come closer to watch the fairies. She looked around to make sure no one was watching and ran over. She carefully leaned over and looked down to see her reflection in the water. What she saw was the most beautiful girl she had ever seen. She had never seen her before but something about her made her warm inside, like finding a missing piece of herself.

“Hi love” said the girl, like it was the most normal thing in the world to talk to someone through the reflection of the water. The girl in the reflection was young, around eight, but there was something about her. Like she wasn’t afraid of anything. “Hi” said Anna shyly, she has never talked to another girl before. She had so many questions but she didn’t know how to ask so she hoped that the girl would say something again. “Can I show you something?” Asked the girl. Anna still didn’t quite understand who or what this girl was but she wanted to see. She saw the big old tree in her head and heard her say what she always said. You are safe here with me, I know what is best for you. Stay here with me. You don’t want to be like the other girls out there. They are just ordinary, you are special here living with us in the forrest.

Anna always did what she was told but today she felt something different, she gathered courage and said with a big smile on her face “Yes, yes you can”. The girl in the reflection smiled back at her. “Okay, all you need to do is close your eyes and jump”. Anna looked her in the eyes, nodded and took a deep breath. She looked back at the path leading to the big old tree, closed her eyes and jumped in the pond. She never hit the surface of the water. Instead she felt like she was flying. She tumbled around in the air for a while until she found herself in a slide, fast tossing and turning, she traveled further down… and BAM! She landed in the little girls bed. She looked up and there she was, smiling from ear to ear, radiant and playful. They both started to giggle. It was a strange feeling for Anna, she didn’t laugh much and the place in her stomach that usually felt so hard and dark all of a sudden was bubbling with light and laughter. The girl took her hand and said “It’s time for breakfast, are you hungry?”. Anna was, she has forgotten but she now remembered she didn’t have anything to eat this morning because of everything that had happened.

It was a very peculiar house. Lights, colors and a shimmer that reminded her of fairy dust was all around. Instead of stairs there was a slide that took them downstairs to the kitchen. Anna couldn’t believe her eyes. Ten other little girls were all looking at her with big shining eyes. They waved her over and she sat down around the big round table. There was so much food and they were all enjoying it. She hesitated for a moment, thinking back at everything the tree had taught her about not stuffing herself with food, because she wasn’t supposed to get fat. She looked around at the other girls, they were all eating and enjoying and none of them looked fat, Anna thought. She reached out for the stack of pancakes, asked for the jam and the sugar and tucked in.

It was strange being here, everything she was ever told didn’t seem to be true here and all the other girls looked so happy. She also felt a bit guilty, she had just left, she didn’t tell the tree why and now the tree would be all alone. She asked the other girl who’s name she now knew, it was Leela. She had never heard a name like that and Anna liked it. She asked Leela that if she needed to go back, how could she do that. She told her she was worried about the tree being all alone now without her. Leela took her hand again. Anna liked it when she did this, it felt like they were going on an adventure together and like she really belonged here. Like it was her and Leela no matter what happened. They went through a lot of corridors and different stairs. Higher and higher. Eventually Leela stopped. She showed Anna that they needed to be quiet from now on and carefully they started to climb up a very high and old spiral staircase. Higher and higher they went. Then they were there. It was a beautiful room. Pillows everywhere in all kinds of colors. The room was round and the ceiling was high and pointy like a tower. There was so fairy dust here but so many beautiful stones and crystals were embedded in the walls and the ceiling. In the middle there was a big glass ball floating in the air. It was shimmering and a soft light was radiating from it. They sat down in front of it and Anna was completely hypnotized by the beauty of it.

“This is how I found you”, Leela said. “It can show us whatever we need to see. Whatever we are ready to see”. I don’t know about your mom but if you are ready to see the truth you can see it here. You will know how. Just try”. Anna felt a little bit scared now. Maybe she didn’t want to see. But Leela was there with her and she felt like this was it, this was the best moment to do it. It wouldn’t get easier than this and she didn’t want to go back to live like she did before alone in the forrest with her mom-tree. She sat facing the glowing ball, closed her eyes and gently put her hands on it.

There was a storm in the forrest. The wind was howling, it was very grey and it looked cold. Like all the light has gone away. She saw the tree, branches had fallen because of the wind and it was loosing all its leaves.

Anna was back in the room again and she looked at Leela. This is what I was scared of. I need to go back. I can’t just leave. They need me in the forrest. A tear was rolling down her cheek and she pulled her knees in towards her chest. Leela was still smiling. “Look a little closer”, she said. Anna was a bit confused and upset with her reaction, she felt like she didn’t get it at all. She was also curious. She put her hand back in the ball.

She saw a girl. A young one just like her. She was beautiful. She had brown hair and big open eyes. She saw his this girl lived in a a family. A house with a mom and a dad. But they didn’t like each other. She saw how they were fighting or running away doing their own thing but no one was looking at the girl. Slowly, slowly the girl became more and more quiet. More withdrawn and the light in her eyes faded. She saw how the girl pretended to be happy when someone was around her but how lonely she actually was. She saw how all the essential qualities of the little girl was hidden deep within. Slowly, slowly the girl started to grow up, but without her own light. She saw how the girl, that was not so young anymore, tried her best but she had forgotten about the light that she once hid within her. She saw how this girl, that was now a woman, had a child of her own. The woman couldn’t tell what it was but she wanted this child all to herself. It reminded her of the light she once had too. She didn’t remember that she had hidden her own light. She felt like she needed to her it from the new little girl. Anna saw the woman running away, she has the little baby girl tight in her arms and finally that arrived to a forrest. Similar to the one Anna grew up in, but still different. There were no fairies and no magical creatures m. Just a normal forrest. The big old tree was not there. The woman sat down on the ground with the baby and it started to happen. The woman was transforming into a tree. The baby girl was hidden within in a home under the tree amongst the roots. She saw herself grow up and how the tree was nourished by her light. She saw herself find the pond and the fairies, then she realized something. The enchanted forrest. All the creatures, the fairies, they were there all along, but not just for her. They were there for her mom too.

All of a sudden she was back in the beautiful room looking at a glass ball. She looked at Leela who looked back at her with a big smile on her face. “Do you understand now?”, Leela asked. And Anna did. “I don’t have to take care of her anymore, do I? I thought it was my responsibility, that she couldn’t survive without me. She is more than a tree, she is a girl too. Someone has been coming back to remind her of that, for a long time, they never stop trying. That’s why the forrest is so magical, isn’t it?”, Anna continued. Leela nodded. “That means that I am free. I can stay here with you can’t I?”. Leela looked at her smiling from ear to ear, light in her eyes. “Yes”, she answered.

Anna stayed with Leela in the house and together with the other girls she showed Anna what it means to be alive…

…And they lived happily ever after.

A short story by Leela.

Opening my eyes


A glimpse of the unknown

The fragrance of change is all around

Taking a deep breath and letting go of holding

In vulnerability I welcome it in

There is a new aliveness

A stagnant lake flowing into a river





A shy smile on my face and a warmth spreads through out my body

I am coming home

Step by step

Shedding more layers

Allowing something of the unknown to move me

I am showing up for myself

I am stepping out of isolation of safety of hiding

I am taking courage to look in the mirror

What is it I have been hiding from by keeping myself safe and secure?

What is out there for me to see?

I am welcoming you in

Cutting through illusion


Taking an uncertain step out from my house

This house has been my savior

This is where my life has happened

Outside this house is the real world

A world where I can get hurt

A world where I can experience love, passion, joy

Out in the real world I feel as if I have no skin

I have seen through my own illusion

As I step outside and close the door it crumbles behind me

It was never real

Here I am

With a clearer lens

I am standing on my own two feet

I am taking responsibility for my own life

A new reality


To experience once reality evaporate

Left in a space where words have no meaning

An emptiness that is so full yet there is nothing to grab onto

A peculiar feeling of complete freedom and openness yet there is nothing that can be done, nowhere to move

If all is here in this very moment then how can you move somewhere else?