A hopeless exhaustion of…
…of making the same mistakes again and again and again
This is not something I can power through
This is something I need to surrender to
How am I supposed to “do” surrender?
I can’t.
I need to have the willingness to understand
the wisdom of not repeating the same mistakes
and the patience to put myself back together everytime I’m neither willing nor wise
My heart is aching again
An empty hole sucking in every bit of light and joy
Grieving my past as I slowly open up
Layer after layer
Feeling it all through
Looking again and again, letting it all wash away
Fear of the unknown, even if the unknown is JOY
Pacing myself. There is no rush
Again and again coming back to the now and remembering that it is in my hands now
I can allow anything and be as gentle and loving as I can and want.
The next moment is born out of this one
There is no big change to make
Just be present now and do what feels loving and true…
…and then one day the change has already happened
A rainy cloud is passing
Hold on the sun will shine again
There is no way out but to stay here
There is no way out but in
There is no shortcut no guidelines no rules or restrictions
An empty slate for you to fill with colours
The shade of grey is a temporary hiccup
I want to paint with all the colours of the rainbow
“Goodbye my friend”
Letting love come closer
The warmth and the nourishment of a loving touch
I am willing to let go of my demons to open the door for love…
…but first I have to look him straight in the eye and say goodbye
A girl is sitting under a tree and asking for a mother
“I do not have any arms to hold you” she says
“That’s okay” says the girl “my mother also doesn’t hold me”
“Okay” says the tree “but I don’t have any ears to listen”
“My mother also doesn’t listen to me” says the girl
“Okay” says the tree “I can’t see you I don’t have any eyes”
“It’s okay” says the girl “my mother has eyes byt she still doesn’t see me”
The tree stands still, unwavering
The girl lies down in her own embrace and lets the tree hold her
Not saying anything, not looking, not listening, but still a mother
Still place to come home to, a place to feel safe, welcome, embraced
A little girl was lying under a tree and in the tree’s embrace she rocked herself to sleep
Everything becomes so cold all of a sudden
I do not know where to go
I cannot move I cannot talk
It is like everything has frozen to ice
A storm is inside
A storm that cannot be released
A storm that could not be released
But now what?
The storm is over and it is a sunny day in the end of May but I am still cold
How do you move on after something like this?
How do you survive?
One can hide so much inside
I can see how the story of Alice in Wonderland came to life
I am swimming in my own unconscious mind
I am knee deep in the dark twistedness of my mind
Memories coming to the surface
Unfolding
Uncovering the truth of what happened to me as a child
Luckily there is an adult here to care for me now
I need to step in as my own care-taker
my own best friend
my own mother
my own father
my own sister
my own saviour
The unconditional love I have for myself cannot be replaced by anyone else.
A whirlwind of emotions coming to its peak
from here there is only one way to go
Into a let-go
dissolving
merging
and standing empty handed
naked and exposed
In a place of not knowing
letting the uncertainty be present
unsteady
wavering
Yet there is something so comforting
I know I am unconditionally loved by existence
and whatever happens to me
I am held in its embrace
Urging to escape from my sorrows
If I let go what will I have?
The monsters are my best friends
the darkness is my shelter
and fear my only thrill
Ecstasy only lasts so long
and once I have seen through the endless cycle of highs and lows
the game looses its hook in me
What is left is a stagnant lake
a grey shade of something that is no longer here
It is my safety my hell
My mind is allowed to roam freely here
To dream, to long for, to pretend and disguise anything that is real
Here I can be a victim a dancer and a lover without having to lift a finger…
The only problem is that I am dreaming and in these days I am missing life
I am wasting away and falling further and further away from my truth, my center
and from anything that can bring light into my darkness
