Everything becomes so cold all of a sudden
I do not know where to go
I cannot move I cannot talk
It is like everything has frozen to ice
A storm is inside
A storm that cannot be released
A storm that could not be released
But now what?
The storm is over and it is a sunny day in the end of May but I am still cold
How do you move on after something like this?
How do you survive?
”There is no heaven and there is
no hell. They are not geographical, they are part of your psychology. They
are psychological. To live the life of spontaneity, truth, love, beauty is
to live in heaven. To live the life of hypocrisy, lies, compromises,
to live according to others, is to live in hell. To live in freedom is
heaven, and to live in bondage is hell.” Osho
One can hide so much inside
I can see how the story of Alice in Wonderland came to life
I am swimming in my own unconscious mind
I am knee deep in the dark twistedness of my mind
Memories coming to the surface
Unfolding
Uncovering the truth of what happened to me as a child
Luckily there is an adult here to care for me now
I need to step in as my own care-taker
my own best friend
my own mother
my own father
my own sister
my own saviour
The unconditional love I have for myself cannot be replaced by anyone else.
“There has never been a person like you before, there is not anybody else like you right now in the whole world, and there will never be anybody like you. Just see how much respect God has paid to you. You are a masterpiece unrepeatable, incomparable, utterly unique. Even the hardest heart, the rock-like heart, will start melting in gratitude.” Osho
“The mind is a great servant, a
great computer. Use it, but remember that it should not overpower you. Remember
that you should remain capable of being aware, that it should not possess you in
toto, that it should not become all and all, that a door should be left open
from where you can come out of the robot.
That opening of the door is called meditation.“
Osho
A whirlwind of emotions coming to its peak
from here there is only one way to go
Into a let-go
dissolving
merging
and standing empty handed
naked and exposed
In a place of not knowing
letting the uncertainty be present
unsteady
wavering
Yet there is something so comforting
I know I am unconditionally loved by existence
and whatever happens to me
I am held in its embrace
Urging to escape from my sorrows
If I let go what will I have?
The monsters are my best friends
the darkness is my shelter
and fear my only thrill
Ecstasy only lasts so long
and once I have seen through the endless cycle of highs and lows
the game looses its hook in me
What is left is a stagnant lake
a grey shade of something that is no longer here
It is my safety my hell
My mind is allowed to roam freely here
To dream, to long for, to pretend and disguise anything that is real
Here I can be a victim a dancer and a lover without having to lift a finger…
The only problem is that I am dreaming and in these days I am missing life
I am wasting away and falling further and further away from my truth, my center
and from anything that can bring light into my darkness
To face oneself might be one of the most excruciating things one can do…
…and still there is no question in my heart.
We are brought up to put ourselves down. To shame ourselves for who we are, for our desires, our longings, our wounds, our needs.
We are brought up in an unnatural society and to start becoming natural again is not always easy. It is scary and painful, uncertain and many people around will not be able to understand.
But I am longing to come home.
I am longing for myself.
For my own being, my own love, my own light.
She is a blonde girl full of energy. She is full of excitement and curiosity. She likes to investigate things and to understand how things work. She has a caring and nurturing nature. She likes to be outside and in nature.
She likes the colors pink, purple, blue and green. She is very strong. She has a lot of energy that she likes to express through movement. She radiates love, light and innocence. She has the ability to light up a room.
She is content with just being by her self. She loves to just be silent and watch things. She is fascinated with the world and appreciates beauty.
She is very sensitive. She is connected with oneness and unconditional love. She is meditative. She is full of compassion. She likes to dance and has the ability to completely let go and be total. She is very attentive, receptive and open to her surroundings. She is sensual and playful.
She is determined, clear, strong and has the ability to forgive and persevere.
She is creative and she likes to express herself with colors. She is grounded and connected to nature. She likes trees. She has the ability to give and receive. She enjoys herself and she is present in life. She is intelligent and has the ability to understand the world around her.
She is full of love and she likes to share it. She has a sense of humor and she likes to laugh.
A wave of anguish and fear
A storm of emotions
A flashback
I am here present, yet not really
I am reliving something through my body and I can not make it stop
I try my best to come back, to feel safe again, calm, at home in my bed
But the nightmare continues
I want to wake up
Please Anna wake up
I am safe here
You are not alone
I hear someone talking to me. But I can not listen. It is too late
Help!!
I know someone is there
I know that she is keeping me safe
Yet it feels like I am about to die
I know this is not happening now
I can breathe through this
Let the emotions have their space and then move through
I can let them burn out
I am safe
I am here
I am okay
I am seen
I am loved
Everything is okay
One breath at a time
Slowly slowly coming back
Back to my body
Back to the present moment
